Rant

I can’t find a single bit of sense in this past year. But when has there ever been sense in life? Everything is just random, and even when everything seems to be going smoothly and is “in place”, you can’t expect it to stay that way. Happiness is taken so you have to fight for it back. You lose yourself to fight for that back, too. It’s all just a game, a test of strength and character. You’re thrown into a ditch for absolutely no reason and have to learn to climb your way out somehow. And somehow you always do. But just because you get yourself to a good place again doesn’t mean it stops there. You think you’re done evolving, but I’ve learned growth never has an end. There will always and forever be challenges; things that bring your life to a hault and make you ask, “why the fuck is this happening?” Breakups, deaths, financial turmoil, failures, natural disasters; basically any unwanted change. If you have a heart and you choose to use it, any of these things can easily happen and turn your life upside down. But other things can easily happen. Falling in love, having a baby, getting your dream job, traveling to that place you were dying to see, or even finally being comfortable in your own skin. The cliché that life is like a roller coaster is stupidly true. There are points when we feel so anxious and excited and happy and scared all at the same time. There are points when we come falling down and our stomachs drop and we don’t know what to expect next. And there are points when we just let go and enjoy the craziness. It’s all a mess. It can be beautiful. It can be hell. It can be routine. It can be content. All I know is if you find yourself in one of those unwanted situations, let yourself feel pain but don’t ever stay there. Promise yourself that the crying and isolating and mistrust in the world is only temporary. Because all of those other beautiful things that can happen are still out there waiting for you, they’re just making sure you’re ready. It’s like when you’ll let yourself have a bowl of ice cream, but only after you go make yourself go to the gym. You know you can find happiness again, but get yourself strong first, no matter how long it takes. Nothing makes sense and it never will, so I’m trying my best to embrace that rather than be afraid of it.

I’m Sorry

You loved me

And I loved that

But I didn’t love you back
 
I loved him

He might have loved me

But I’ll never know that
 
You gave me your heart

Mine was miles away

With someone else
 
I let you kiss me

I didn’t feel a thing

I hated myself
 
Do you miss me?

I still miss him

His art hangs upon my wall
 
You loved me

And I loved another

I never really loved you at all

Black Roses

A bouquet of black roses

Grows from your disenchanted heart

An arrangement of overwhelming distress

From your chest, you pull petals apart

“He loves me not…

He loves me not…”

Until there’s nothing left

Long Distance

It hurts

That I can’t find the words to express this

That I’ve become such a mess from this

That there’s nothing I can do

What hurts

Is that days turn into weeks and months

And you’re still the only one I see myself with

But you probably have no clue

That it hurts

Not knowing when I’ll see you next

In my head, you are my future plans

In your head are things I wish I knew

Damn, this hurts

I want you more than want itself

I would give anything to see you now

I would die if you found someone new

Hurting hurts

But the pain is there to show us

That some people are worth all of this

Some people, just like you
(Another older one – probably from May)

The Atlantic

An ocean comes between us,

A big blanket of blue,

If the ocean were to dry up,

I’d take that barren path

To get to you.

Or maybe I can build a boat

Out of my broken little soul,

Night and day I’ll sail away,

Your eyes are the lighthouse

I’ll use to guide me home.

I envy all the fools

That see you but don’t care,

If I just had wings, I’d fly forever,

No map or compass needed,

Your love would get me there.

I look to the sky above me,

A big blanket of blue,

When you look to the sky

Know that I’m across the ocean

Plotting how to get to you.

(Something I wrote months ago that I forgot about)

Deadly October

(Not nearly done but)

Why do I talk to the sky,

When I know you’re not an angel?

You would’ve spit in God’s face

If he let you in the gates

Because grandpa touched you

And you always prayed

But He never saved you

So I lay face down

In the dirt

Talk to the worms

Dig my fists in the earth

Because I wish

That promises weren’t just words

You promised it would be okay

You promised no more hurt

But I used to watch you

Lay in graveyards

And beg to be next

I absorbed your pain

Like a weak little sponge

You wanted death

You made me want it too

How hypocritical of you

You were a fine example

Of how life is a sick joke

I wanted to choke hearing

“Don’t cry honey,

I love you”,

Slurred through every word

“I love you” meant

“You’re a burden”

Because I still found bottles

Behind every curtain

If I could go back

I’d smash every last one over my head

Maybe you’d kiss me then

But only to savor the poison

That you needed so bad

Even now I wait for your pat on the back

To roll over and look up

And find your eyes

Twinkling like stars above

For you to tell me

“I’m better now,

Catch me up on everything”

But whenever I feel a touch

It’s not you

Just a fallen leaf

Or something in the breeze

A subtle reminder

That this time of year

Is deadly

Life became too much

That October

Eight years later

And I still find myself face down

Letting the foliage bury me

Try

Inevitable struggle

Inevitable fate

Inevitable stumble

You once stood tall

And straight

Wondering why

Begging for answers

For signs

They say “Try”

To keep your pretty eyes dry

Over lies

That make your heart break

Dying to know

How this all unfolds

Knocking on closed doors

In hopes to be told

Your stomach aches

Sometimes you’d rather suffocate

Than live with the undying uncertainty

That eats at your brain

Letting the worry in

Like a venomous snake

Slithering through your veins

Until you’re numb to the pain

“Try”

Stay steady

Though, life is an earthquake

Unexpected and brutal

Better hold on

To things that make you feel safe

Look up to the stars

and wonder if the universe decides fate

Or if you’re hopelessly stuck

In a rut

That you can’t escape

You’re internally debating

The paradoxical way

That you worship the sun

But curse at the rain

Inevitable struggle

Inevitable fate

Inevitable stumble

Inevitable hope that awaits.

Reminders Like Knives

A little thing

A similarity

A reminder of the past

Is a knife

Stabbing an old wound

Now bleeding out what I’ve held back.

Former lovers

Deadbeat mother

Who beat my self-esteem

They pour out of me like rain

Each tear drop holds its scream.

What I thought was behind me

Is right below me

Covered by shallow dirt

I should’ve known

That to mend a wound

You must let yourself hurt.

Being wicked melancholy today. Bleh.

Dancing Alone

You’re ripped away from me

By things I cannot see

I’m only breathing half a breath 

I’m dancing alone.

I reach my hand out to you

You kiss it, you kiss me softly too

But off you go to other places

And off I go, to dance alone.

You say, “Love me.”

I say, “I do, effortlessly.”

My heart desires only yours

So without it, I must dance alone.

The absence of bliss

Your presence I miss

I’ll use this quiet, empty room

To dance and dance

Alone.