I can’t find a single bit of sense in this past year. But when has there ever been sense in life? Everything is just random, and even when everything seems to be going smoothly and is “in place”, you can’t expect it to stay that way. Happiness is taken so you have to fight for it back. You lose yourself to fight for that back, too. It’s all just a game, a test of strength and character. You’re thrown into a ditch for absolutely no reason and have to learn to climb your way out somehow. And somehow you always do. But just because you get yourself to a good place again doesn’t mean it stops there. You think you’re done evolving, but I’ve learned growth never has an end. There will always and forever be challenges; things that bring your life to a hault and make you ask, “why the fuck is this happening?” Breakups, deaths, financial turmoil, failures, natural disasters; basically any unwanted change. If you have a heart and you choose to use it, any of these things can easily happen and turn your life upside down. But other things can easily happen. Falling in love, having a baby, getting your dream job, traveling to that place you were dying to see, or even finally being comfortable in your own skin. The cliché that life is like a roller coaster is stupidly true. There are points when we feel so anxious and excited and happy and scared all at the same time. There are points when we come falling down and our stomachs drop and we don’t know what to expect next. And there are points when we just let go and enjoy the craziness. It’s all a mess. It can be beautiful. It can be hell. It can be routine. It can be content. All I know is if you find yourself in one of those unwanted situations, let yourself feel pain but don’t ever stay there. Promise yourself that the crying and isolating and mistrust in the world is only temporary. Because all of those other beautiful things that can happen are still out there waiting for you, they’re just making sure you’re ready. It’s like when you’ll let yourself have a bowl of ice cream, but only after you go make yourself go to the gym. You know you can find happiness again, but get yourself strong first, no matter how long it takes. Nothing makes sense and it never will, so I’m trying my best to embrace that rather than be afraid of it.
So inspired by this project I discovered, “Hotel Books”. It’s spoken-word poetry accompanied by ambient music.
Sometimes I feel like some sort of gold being.
I’m some sort of metal that only has purpose
When someone needs something.
People wouldn’t chase after me if it wasn’t for greed,
If it wasn’t for the purchasing of some sort of peace.
My hopes and dreams are put on display for all to see,
But under heat, they bend, they bleed.
Maybe you couldn’t tell, this was once beautiful.
It’s pure gold, just covered in black ink,
Covered in the charcoal colored remains of ashes
From the last time something burned me.
But baby, I can be something you need,
So bend me in that fire until I fit a shape
That can offer you some sort of utility.
I’m going crazy
I can’t get out of my head
I’m perfectly fine
You loved me
And I loved that
But I didn’t love you back
I loved him
He might have loved me
But I’ll never know that
You gave me your heart
Mine was miles away
With someone else
I let you kiss me
I didn’t feel a thing
I hated myself
Do you miss me?
I still miss him
His art hangs upon my wall
You loved me
And I loved another
I never really loved you at all
A bouquet of black roses
Grows from your disenchanted heart
An arrangement of overwhelming distress
From your chest, you pull petals apart
“He loves me not…
He loves me not…”
Until there’s nothing left
That I can’t find the words to express this
That I’ve become such a mess from this
That there’s nothing I can do
Is that days turn into weeks and months
And you’re still the only one I see myself with
But you probably have no clue
That it hurts
Not knowing when I’ll see you next
In my head, you are my future plans
In your head are things I wish I knew
Damn, this hurts
I want you more than want itself
I would give anything to see you now
I would die if you found someone new
But the pain is there to show us
That some people are worth all of this
Some people, just like you
(Another older one – probably from May)